Moalims

Sixty eight years after independence, the literacy rate in Pakistan is still hovering around the 50% mark. Having obviously failed the nation, our education system needs to be revamped. But it is not education in general that I wish to address here – that discussion is for another day. Instead, my subject today is adult education. The more mature among my readers will doubtlessly recall the sorry fate of the Nayi Roshni Schools in the otherwise glorious eighties. The other day I accidently came across teaching material used at a now defunct adult school – a first floor room at a friend’s house (now serving as a storeroom). I was shocked to learn that adults had been made to learn the English alphabet employing the exact same books used to teach toddlers. No wonder the school, along with similar schools around the country, was forced to shut down owing to exorbitant dropout rates.

Educational psychologists, after conducting extensive scientific research, have demonstrated that making use of concepts familiar to pupils markedly accelerates the learning process, something that might have been guessed without so much effort. If more adults are to be hooked to Facebook and the social media in general (which will keep them away from gossip and a life of crime), adult education has to be once again made a national priority. Keeping the Pakistani society and psyche in mind, I have prepared a guideline for the preparation of an improved ABC book for adults, in the hope that it’s only a matter of time before institutions of adult learning blossom across the nation. Most of the suggestions are self-explanatory and have been listed without comment. However, I have added a few words where I felt my choices needed some justification.

This is nothing more than a rough, first attempt that inevitably leaves a lot of room for improvement. I realise that there are multitudes more qualified for this sort of study than I am. It is in the hope of receiving invaluable feedback from some of those individuals that I am presenting the following, in order to set the ball rolling so to speak:

A is for America.

B is for blasphemy.

C is for conspiracy.

D is for the doctrine of necessity. Democracy may be the best form of revenge in ordinary times, but extraordinary circumstances call for extraordinary measures. Thanks to our excellent judges, this fact has been etched indelibly in the collective consciousness of the nation.

E is for emergency.

F is for FIR.

G is for Governor’s rule.

H is for Hindustan. For a nation that agrees on very few things, there’s amazing consensus on the question of our arch-enemy. And God be praised for it.

I is for Insha’Allah.

J is for judicial commission. Judicial commissions are integral parts of our preferred mechanism for dispensation of speedy justice (incident happening, the PM taking notice, formation of judicial commission, the JIT, publication of report provided no detriment to national security).

K is for kaafir.

L is for LPG quota.

M is for Martial Law.

N is for NRO.

O is for operation.

P is for police.

Q is for Qarz utaro mulk sanwaro, a landmark in our history. It’s a reminder of the heights a nation can scale, given sincerity and out-of-the-box thinking on the part of its leaders.

R is for Raheel Sharif.

S is for Saudi Arabia. China is a lifelong friend and ally, but it’s the Saudis who are our brothers. They are so brotherly and hospitable to their Pakistani brothers that they lovingly confiscate their passports immediately upon arrival in the Kingdom, lest a guest, by flying back to Pakistan, robs them of the opportunity to showcase their famous hospitality. Bless them!

T is for Trump.

U is for umma, the Muslim umma. After all, how many adults have ever seen a real unicorn (the usual entry for U)?

V is for voodoo.

W is for World Bank.

X is for Xanthippe. This was a hard nut, considering the paucity of words starting with an X. The usual entry in most books is Xmas or xylophone – neither is acceptable for solid religious reasons. ‘Xanthippe’ may not be a word many adults are familiar with, but given the large number of Xanthippes going around, I am sure a man of average luck would have encountered at least one or two.

Y is for Youthia.

Z is for Zionism.

Hasan Aftab Saeed